Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Dear Parents of Toddlers

Posted: August 2, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Parents of Toddlers,

I know how hard it is to be a parent to a toddler.  Their life is all about seeing how many ways they can make you look stupid, especially in public.  Their favorite trick seems to be throwing themselves to the floor and screaming like you just pulled their kidney out through their nose.  Add to that, you’re bombarded on all sides with conflicting advice on how to be the best parent you can be, plus are met with criticism regardless of what you do.

It stinks; I get that.

But what I don’t get is why the fact that being  a parent is hard excuses you from being a parent.

Case in point:  I was shopping recently at a large store.  It has a lot of stuff; it has great deals.  There are people everywhere, with their little ones running around them, mostly controlled, mostly contained.

While I was waiting my turn to fill my fountain drink, I notice a child who is holding open the frozen slush drink spout so that it pours out into the overflow drain, and spills out onto the floor.  This child is about 7, so basically old enough to know better, if properly taught.

Even if the child had forgotten that behavior was a poor choice, a mom can correct the behavior when noticing it and have a learning experience.

But when mom does notice, she doesn’t say anything.  She turns away, pretending not to notice.  Her other child, the toddler mentioned above, does notice, however.  She starts screaming at the top of her lungs because she wants to do exactly what big brother is doing.

Instead of being the parent she purportedly is, she comes over to her son, moves him out of the way, and holds up the little girl so she can waste some slush drink, too.

She hasn’t bought anything from the store.  She’s not contributing anything to their bottom line, other than essentially stealing a drink (or 5) and causing labor costs to clean up the flood on the floor.

And this, parents of toddlers, is why, even though I know it sucks, it’s hard, and so forth, you need to grow up and be a parent.  The people around you don’t want to do it for you, and we don’t want to pay more for our stuff to pay for the stuff your kid ruins.

This is why you get grouchy old people glaring at you and your perfect angel.  Because people pull stunts like that.

Anyway, keep in mind that your child needs a parent, not a friend or babysitter.

Thanks for helping raise the future leaders,

The Person Who Eventually Told You to Knock It Off


Dear Tech Support Guy

Posted: July 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Tech Support Guy,

I am not sure why it’s necessary to tell me that your name is John.  Or Bob.  Or Ned.  It’s quite obvious that your name is most likely something entirely foreign to me.  Maybe it’s thought that I will have an easier time connecting with a person who has a name I can recognize.  And, you know, pronounce.

But seriously.  Does your boss make you say that?  As if by pretending that you’re here in the same country as I am will make me happier to be helped by you?  Don’t they realize your thick accent is going to make me a little suspicious?  Personally, as someone who knows a bit about tech devices, by the time I call tech support, I don’t care who helps me so long as it’s fixed.

Today when I was transferred to the “National Help Desk,” I wondered if I would be speaking with someone who was near to me, but I was quickly assured I was not.

Well, regardless of who you were or where you were, my issue was fixed, and quickly, so I thank you.  Whatever your name is.

Just wondering,

A Person Whose Internet Wasn’t Working Earlier

Dear Facebook Fans

Posted: July 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Facebook Fans,

Facebook is such an amazing addition to our culture, isn’t it?  It lets you keep up with people you don’t get to see often, find old friends you almost don’t remember having, and update family without having to actually talk to them.

It’s truly wondrous!

What we do want to remember, though, is that for most people, Facebook is public. Even though the option exists for you to set your profiles to private, only allowing people one actually knows access your data, most people can’t be bothered.

So lots of people get treated to front-seat views of family feuds, people acting stupid, pictures that shouldn’t have been taken let alone be posted online, and other things.

Was it really necessary to have a long, drawn out argument with your mother, father, boyfriend, aunts, roommates, and anyone else who drops by?  Remember this is a PUBLIC forum.   If you post it to your wall, everyone you know can see it, and it is even posted to their feed so they don’t even have to be looking for it.

Think about what you post, okay?  While many times it makes people laugh, it sometimes does make us mourn for the fate of humans.


People Who Don’t Want to Know ALL Your Business

Dear Impatient SUV Driver

Posted: July 15, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Impatient SUV Driver,

I get that life is busy.  I get that you thought that my driving 35 mph (in an area with a 25 mph speed limit, mind you) was really rude, and it was negatively impacting your day.

Of course, it might have been more rude of me if you couldn’t get around me, and I was deliberately blocking you.  But that wasn’t the case, was it?

You were tailgating me, as if you hoped to teach me a lesson about driving faster.  If I was really impacting your speed so much, why didn’t you just go around me, seeing as we were the only people on that road at the time, and it was two lanes?

Finally, failing to get me to go the speed you desired, you decided to pass me.  Great!  I had been wishing you would do that for quite awhile now.

But you chose to pass me as the left lane ended.

This caused me to need to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting you.  This could have been entirely avoided if you had decided, a mile or so back, that you wanted to go faster than I was, and went around.

The most ironic part of your rude and unsafe driving?  Just a quarter mile down the road or so, I pull up behind you, and sit with you at the red light.

You made it soooo much further than I did.  Your quality of life was improved by so much, it’s almost not fair.

Just sayin’,

The Driver You Cut Off

Dear Shepherd

Posted: July 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Shepherd,

I must admit, I haven’t really considered the fate of the shepherd in our new high-tech society.  While I know things must change and move with the times, I somehow didn’t picture how sheep herding would be brought into the 21st century.

When I picture sheep and the ones who tend them, I picture rolling hills, fluffy white clouds, a cute dog or two, and maybe a pan flute.

I don’t picture a dog kennel in the back of a pick-up truck.

Was it necessary to move those five (five?!) sheep in that way?  They didn’t look particularly thrilled to be thrust that way into modern society.

Where were you taking them, anyway?  The direction you were heading didn’t seem to be one that would welcome sheep.  It’s not like you were spotted deep in the wilds of our great nation, but on a ridiculously busy road.

Well, I hope you all arrived safely, and you and your woolly friends are enjoying any fields you have to frolic in.


The Driver Next to You